When you argue; don't leave a scar, leave a mark!

Jay S
Dec 6, 2020
4 min read

When you argue don't leave a scar; leave a mark.
A scar stains but a mark builds up!

You might remember a dear friend that has become a stranger because of an argument you had with them, or your memory could strike you of someone who is now a best friend of yours as a result of an argument you both had.

Depending on the type of relationship that exists between you and someone, an argument could be just what you ever needed to turn a new page of that relationship and some great relationships becomes a memory just from a single argument you would ever live to regret.

When you are able to live a mark in an argument, your relationship becomes a loving and real one but if your argument leaves a scar, then the relationship could be stained by grudges, misconceptions, or termination.

Did you leave a scar or a mark in the relationship that just crossed your mind?

Do not feel down of yourself if your words made you have some regrets, you can be a better version of yourself for similar or new encounters.

Your argument leaves a mark rather than a scar in the following ways:

1. When you argue whether with your loved ones or someone different, make sure your arguments is confined to the topic or reason for the argument.

E.g. if you argued about attitudes relating to unfaithfulness, make sure your arguments is centred around only unfaithfulness. If you are accused of unfaithfulness by your partner, and you are trying to prove that you are not guilty of their accusations, ensure that your argument is based purely on proving yourself right. Do not include issues like regret, ( if I knew you were such a person who don't trust someone, I would never have been in a relationship with you or married to you). The danger here is that, you may end up creating new points for a fresh argument and most importantly, affirmed some point about yourself which the person had long believed about you. And if they were just waiting to affirm such points for a termination, that argument could just be your last one with them for a negative end. You can use as many words as you can in trying to prove yourself right, but please don't go outside of the point of accusation-if you want to leave a mark with your argument.

2. Your argument could leave a mark rather than a stain if you do not try to prove that you know everything more than the person you are arguing with.

You can prove to the latter that you understand what you are arguing about and you are convinced about it but do not present your points in a way that could make you appear to be knowledgeable than your partner. Don't mention other issues that you have questioned in your mind about the person's attitude or personality. Some people would not want to realise that a memory they enjoyed with you or an experience they shared with you did not truly achieve it outcome, you only acted on pretense. They may end up feeling bad about many other encounters, thinking that they really didn't make a mark on you, you only pretended. The danger here is, this approach may reduce their self esteem and makes them feel incompetent to please or satisfy you, or incompatible with you.

3. Do not use your argument to affirm to your partner your negative thoughts about them. Don't make statements like "I really know you are such a person with this kind of personality, so I'm only wasting my time." Remember, except on the bases of an argument with concrete proof, but where your points are based on assumptions and you make statements like such, your partner may conclude that you have never truly loved them in the first place or there may be so many other things stuck in your mind about them that may affect your relationship with them.

4. Argue with an open mind; not a biased mind. Also, except your argument is based on concrete evidence, but never argue with a biased mind over issues of unjustified allegations. A biased mind argument is one that already believes in their own opinion to be true before the argument. The danger in this point is that you will not give the opportunity to your partner to freely express and defend their stance on the issue. This point could also prevent you from the opportunity of having your partner express themselves at a time you would be in need of their opinion simply because you have built a notion in them that no matter how they try to explain themselves, they would never make an impact on you so it is needless to seek their opinions.

5. Do not involve parties that are not concerned with your argument. No matter how you may want to prove yourself right over an issue, never involve or include a third party that has no bearing on the issue discussed. Remember, your argument is a stepping stone for a lifetime view or opinion about you or the other partner. So if your argument builds a negative impression about you, it will affect the rest of your relationship with that person. Do not limit the power someone may have in expressing themselves to you. If your partner knows you have the habit to involve someone into your argument whom they might be ashamed of or not a trusted personality, this will prevent you from having a fruitful conversation with them and eventually reduce their chances of discussing relevant issues with you because they might be afraid you would tell someone they are ashamed of or one whose opinions don't matter to them and also someone whose opinions might be deadly to the relationship. They would prefer holding it up rather than telling you.